Log in

No account? Create an account
Don't deconstruct and then fill me in. [entries|friends|calendar]

[ website | Samanthita's Myspace! ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[21 Apr 2006|11:49am]
haha, today is going to be a good day.

Tax season is finally over! To celebrate, I'm taking my mom out to lunch. We both wanted to sleep in, but we both woke up super early for some reason. A few minutes ago, she was in the shower and i was in the bathroom flat ironing my hair, talking about my birthday. She started making fun of me, saying "Are you going to talk all day? Shouldn't you be sleeping! It's your inner child! She's thinking 'Oh, Mom's up! Mom's home! I have to go annoy her!'" I almost died laughing and I burned my scalp.

Tonight Andy's driving over to Beaufort to see me. This should be fun.

My birthday is on the 1st. My mom is going to take me shopping on the 29th, but before that we're going to get our hair cut.

I want a new style. Give me ideas.

What it looks like now.Collapse )

I want to keep the color. But I want a big change.
2 bad signs| Don't deconstruct

[19 Apr 2006|12:42am]
[ mood | confused ]

So, I got this message on myspace yesterday. It kind of bothers me.
(I have 2 myspaces, btw.)

"ok read ur profile after reading your other profile, i'm glad i'm leaving this state in a few weeks(i hate sc too)....you're profile really got to me - i see well read, brutal intelligence, finding strength in depression..."
there was more but he was just asking about my suspension experience.

I was kind of insulted. Nathan, Amy and Arthur all say it's a compliment.
I don't know. It freaked me out.

1 bad sign| Don't deconstruct

[18 Apr 2006|03:45pm]
My ex, James, turned 24 today.
Don't deconstruct

[14 Apr 2006|01:40pm]
Tonight, I was supposed to go see Baroness and Kylesa with Kyle at the Jinx. I don't have the time or money. I am fucking sick of being broke. All my extra money goes to this car shit, I'm not making that much, so I'm not even making a dent in what I owe. My one decent paycheck went to paying for everything I needed for Jenn's wedding. My birthday is in less than 3 weeks, and I won't have money to go out and have fun. I'll probably be working anyways.

I have a job interview Tuesday at Berry Island, where Jenn works. I don't know that I want to be a waitress again, but I need a second job. And waitressing is fast money. And with the extra money coming in, I won't feel guilty about spending what little money I do have (though the only thing I spend money on anymore is to get a soda or something at work. That should tell you just how fucked I am when it comes to this money shit- I feel bad buying a 75 cent drink.)

I just want this shit to be over.
Don't deconstruct

[31 Mar 2006|01:45pm]
So today I'm stealing a bunch of my mom's music to put on my ipod.
Lots of classic rock. You know, good driving music since I drive so much for work.

Johnny Cash
Jimmi Hendrix
Etta James
Pink Floyd
REO Speedwagon

There's still a lot more I want.
hahah... I'm so weird.
1 bad sign| Don't deconstruct

Everything will change. [25 Mar 2006|12:44am]
I have been listening to this guy so much the last few days.
Go listen, you'll like it.

Today was alright.
I needed to go get my check and go to Savannah, but things kept keeping me. Phone calls, my mom coming home for lunch, then when I get to Pacsun the checks weren't there yet. So I talked to Patty and told her I was going to apply at Planet Three. I wanted to talk to her about Spencer being a douche bag but he was hanging around, so I'll talk to her tomorrow. It's probably just as well that I look for a new job, apparently they've been fighting with corporate about my piercings.

So, then I went to Savannah. I applied for the job, then went shopping for Jenn's wedding. I'm a bride's maid. I found the cutest teal/blue dress at Wet Seal, and then I went to MAC and got make up to match. I got eyeshadow (teal, tan, and gold) and then a navy blue eye liner. It looks pretty good with the dress and I'll be able to use all of it with what I already have. I needed new make up.

So, they put my dad on steriods and painkillers for 2 weeks to get rid of his headaches. It didn't work. This probably won't be good.

I feel like everyone is drifting away from me. It just gives me another reason to move to a place where I don't know anyone. I went to the library and talked to Maria for a while yesterday. She said when she left home at my age, it was really lonely and hard to make friends, blah blah. So? I'm already pretty much alone here. And I'd rather be alone because I don't know anyone instead of being alone because everyone is drifting away.
I just know I'm never going to find what I want or need here. I'm never going to find friends, or find someone to love. I'll never find acceptance for who I am. I'm never going to find happiness, and I can't stand the idea of going to school here. My parents think it would be easier to live with them while I'm in school. Finacially, yes. But I'll be just as miserable, if not worse, than I always have been. If I'm happy where I am it will give me a reason to go after my dreams. I think that's why they aren't fighting me about wanting to move to Savannah. It's not much better, but it's a little better. Just enough to get by.

I'd just like to take what's left of my paycheck and drive until I run out of money, then settle wherever I end up. And I could probably get pretty far.

I want to start over.
2 bad signs| Don't deconstruct

Didn't we have a devil of a time? [22 Mar 2006|10:39pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Oh em gee, I saw Nicola the other day.
Honey, I really do miss you and I love you so so so much.

Today was awesome!

Besides waking up at 10. Blah.

Went to Jenn's, did some cooking. Then I did the bridesmaid thing and went with her to get her wedding dress fitted. It's soooooooo pretty! We talked about it and it was decided that I will wear baby blue to the wedding. Which works, it gives me an excuse to buy baby blue MAC.

Anyways, we had to cook for this potluck thing at Bryan's work. He plays saxophone in the military band. So, I had to hang out with marines all afternoon. It was actually a lot of fun. They all knew about my suspension and I kept having to show off my scars. I kept getting hit on, which was kind of annoying. A few of them actually knew me from when I worked at friendly's. haha. But like I said, it was a lot of fun.

Then I went with Jenn and Bryan to look at the bed and breakfast where they're going to have their wedding. We were waiting for the woman who owns it to come back, and this elderly couple comes down the stairs. The woman is taking pictures of everything in the house, and she offered to take my picture. She then asked what my name was for when she downloaded the pictures to her computer. So, this woman is going to go back home and show her family all these pictures of this pretty house, pretty town, and then there's going to be me sitting on a chair with my piercings, pink/purple hair, and weird clothes. hahahahha, it's so awesome.

We went back to the house, and Jenn and I got into pajamas, climbed into her bed and watched tv for the rest of the night. It was fun. Wes called like, 3 times while I was there. I adore that boy. He's so awesome. I just wish he lived closer. :(

Spring is almost here, the flowers are blooming, the weather is getting warmer. And with all of that I can feel my world changing again. Thing seem so much clearer, so much better when I wake up. The days are brighter. Everyone is happier. It's about time! I can't handle anymore of winter. I just want summer to come. I want to spend days with Nicola driving around the state. I want to spend days on the boat with my dad. I want to spend days shopping with my mom and bitching about random people we see in the mall. I want to spend days laying on fallen trees at the beach. I want to spend my days in the sunlight and the terrible humidity. I want to spend days just sitting outside thinking about how grateful I am for all the amazing people that have been brought into my life, and all the amazing people I will meet in the future.

Nothing can compare to the summer of '05, to the friendships I made, to the places I traveled. But if the last week is any indication, this one will be amazing as well.

Don't deconstruct

[21 Mar 2006|01:13pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

WHY OH WHY OH WHY DO I HAVE TO LIVE AN HOUR AWAY!?>!!>?!>!>!>!>!"#?~<>#!>#!@

2 bad signs| Don't deconstruct

[12 Mar 2006|10:14pm]
So. What a weird week!

I've worked a lot. It's been okay.

I got my car back, but that's still a nightmare and I don't feel like going into it.

Jon came down from Sumter to see me yesterday. It was so much fun. I haven't seen him since my birthday last year (May 1st... that's a long time.)
Anyways, we stayed with Jenn and Bryan in their new house. And then my phone was stolen.
They just got a house in the worst part of town. at 9:30 the doorbell rings. it's some guy asking for money because "his car ran out of gas." we all know that's not why he wants money (probably for crack or booze), but he wouldn't go away. he walked into the fucking house. for some reason bryan didn't get rid of him. anyways, jenn went to get him a few quarters so he would go away, and bryan turned his back on him for maybe 2 seconds. apparently, he took my phone from the table then. we didn't realize it was missing until midnight, and by then i'd had most of a bottle of wine, so i just thought i misplaced it. but the fucker called my house last night saying he "found" the phone and that he would meet my parents somewhere to return it. they went, he didn't show his face. we think he knew who my dad was (my dad's a cop and has been in this town for about 12 years) and decided not to return it (we think he was probably going tell my dad he'd only get the phone back if he paid him some ridiculous amount of money.)

fucking hell. i hate the people in this fucking town.
Don't deconstruct

[07 Mar 2006|12:57pm]
Work has been crazy. The car situation has been crazy. Everything has been so crazy.

I was reading last night, and I came across this. The Dark Tower, book VII in The Dark Tower series by Stephen King.

The last palaver.Collapse )

I think it may be the most beautiful thing I have ever read.
Don't deconstruct

[01 Mar 2006|01:38pm]
My car broke down last night.
The engine is toast.
$2,200-2,500 to fix it.
And my mother is going to kill me today. I know it.
Don't deconstruct

[28 Feb 2006|10:22am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

they changed my work schedule so I have even more hours this week.
then they called and woke me up to see if i could come in at noon today. i was already working 3-7:30. I said yes.
I need the money.

Don't deconstruct

[27 Feb 2006|07:13pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

So I was talking to my friend Tony last night. He lives in Phoenix, AZ. He said something about how I should come visit him this summer. I mentioned I was thinking about going out there anyways to look around and maybe find a school because I want to move there. Anyways, in the conversation that followed, we decided that if I move there we'll be roommates. Which would be awesome. It'd be a ton of fun to live with him. Plus, he knows the city, he knows people there, and he's not struggling for money like all the other people I've lived with.

Right now, if I can get the money, I'm thinking about driving there around the end of May. Yahoo maps say's it's a 35 hour drive, which I could make in 2 days no problem (traveling comes easy for me.) But I'll allow myself 3 days. So I'm looking at a 12 day trip, allow 6 for driving and the other 6 to look around, register at a school or at least get the paperwork, and have some fun. I might go for 14 days so I can stop and see my family in Texas. I'm looking forward to it. If I decide to move there, I'll do so a month before school starts. (I'll be going for cosmetology.)

In bad news, I may have broken up with Rob. I'm not really sure if we ended things, or on a break, or if he wants to try and fix things. It's fucking tearing me apart like you would not believe.

Don't deconstruct

[25 Feb 2006|01:46am]
Working this week: (original scedule over here)
Sunday 11-4 (11-2)
Monday 10-4 (10-2)
Tuesday 3-7:30
Thursday 1-7 (not working)

They had 16 extra hours to give away this week, and she gave me 10 of them. How fucking awesome is that? Pretty fucking awesome.
My next paycheck will be nice. Which is good, because i need to get my hair re-done. Roots are coming in. I think I'm going to keep the purple but replace the pink with baby blue.
Don't deconstruct

[24 Feb 2006|03:55pm]
i can't remember the last time i ate.
and i weigh 100lbs fully clothed.

this is not good.
Don't deconstruct

[24 Feb 2006|08:42am]
fuck you.
and fuck everything.
Don't deconstruct

This weather has me wanting love more tangible. Something I can hold, 'cause it's getting cold. [22 Feb 2006|11:08pm]
I can feel the end of winter. It's so close. But not quite here.
And with the end of winter and the coming of spring, I can feel everything my body wants.
Desert skies most of all. I want to wake up in the morning and look out my window and see an endless horizon. I spend so much of my time day-dreaming about that.
I'd also like to be in love again. But I don't have any control over that.
So I'm much happier dreaming about the west, because that's something that I can make happen one day. It's something I can control. And that's good enough for me. It's a real, tangible dream.
1 bad sign| Don't deconstruct

[19 Feb 2006|11:39pm]
fuck pollen.
and the shit i'm coughing up because of it.

Don't deconstruct

[18 Feb 2006|03:23am]
Today sucked.

There was all sorts of work drama.
I've had a magraine since Tuesday night, and driving home today the traffic was terrible. I cried the whole way home (45 minutes) because I was so stressed out and my head hurt so bad and all I wanted was to go home.

I got home and took 8 sleeping pills. I slept from 9-12.
Fuck insomnia.
Don't deconstruct

[06 Feb 2006|02:47pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Moving back in with my parents seemed to stop my deperession dead in it's tracks. I thought it might. There's just something comforting about being around people you've known since before you were even born. They may not always understand me, they may push me too hard sometimes, but they'll always love me no matter what. And that's really all I want. Someone to love me unconditionally. I've been talking to my dad more often. Sometimes I'll go out and smoke a cigarette with him when my mom isn't around, and I'll just ramble about whatever's on my mind. He listens, and he's always able to say the most simple things that make me feel so much better. About anything- friends, relationships, my living situation, work. I never realized he could help me so much. But then, we never really gave eachother a chance. I was talking to him 2 nights ago about how pissed I was that for the 2nd time, I tried to move out on my own and for the 2nd time, I was forced to come back. I feel like this is the point in my life where I should be learning to do things on my own. And he said that the time just wasn't right. But one day I'll leave, and everything will go how it should, and I'll finally be on my own. But now just isn't the time. I hadn't even thought about that (though it's exactly what I would have told someone in my situation.)

I know they weren't the perfect parents, and a lot of the things I struggle with can be laid at their feet. But no one is perfect, and they did their best. I'm very lucky to have them, I know that they're btter than most.

James once told me he wanted to get me out of this house. That it was an awful place for me to be, that my parents, especially my mom, were bringing me down and causing me pain. And he may have been right. But I resented him for that. We were all just doing the best we could with what we were given. There's no school that teaches you to be a perfect parent. And likewise, there's no school that teaches you to be a perfect son/daughter. It's a learning experience. It's part of growing up.

We seem to have reached an unspoken apology- both sides sorry for the mistakes and the hurt they've caused, but we know there's no point in saying it. Instead, we just try to make up for it in our present actions. You can't change the past, and apologies made of words have no real meaning. You can only change your self and make better choices in order to regain the trust that's been lost over 2 decades of fighting.

Don't deconstruct

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]